A toxic coworker is someone whose behaviour reliably leaves you drained, on edge, or second-guessing yourself, the person who takes credit, undermines you in meetings, or just radiates tension. You can't always avoid them, and you usually can't change them. What you can change is how much of your week they get.
Because you don't just deal with them in the room. You replay it afterwards.
That's the part that costs you: rehearsing what you should have said, drafting the reply you won't send, telling the story again at dinner. Research on rumination has found that going over a bad interaction in vague, self-critical terms makes the loop stronger, while thinking about it in specific, concrete terms actually reduces it (Watkins et al., 2009).
So a ten-minute interaction becomes a three-hour one. Most of the damage happens after they've walked away. If a specific exchange is still looping days later, here's more on interrupting that replay.
A few separate tools. Use whichever one fits what's happening right now.
Slow your body down first. After a tense exchange, your body is still activated even if you looked fine. A breathing pattern called the physiological sigh settles it fastest: one long inhale through your nose, a second short sniff in on top of that, then one long exhale through your mouth, longer than the inhale felt. Repeat two or three times. A 2023 Stanford study found this pattern improved mood and lowered physical stress markers more effectively than mindfulness meditation (Balban et al., 2023). Do it before you reply to anything.
Get specific instead of vague. "She's impossible" keeps the loop spinning. "She interrupted me twice in the 10am and I didn't finish my point" is a fact you can actually do something with, raise it, let it go, or watch for the pattern. Concrete beats vague, both for your own head and for any conversation you might eventually need to have.
Decide what you're actually asking for. Sometimes nothing, you just need the day back. Sometimes it's one specific change, "I'd like to finish my updates before questions." Naming which one it is stops you rehearsing a confrontation you were never going to have.
Protect the recovery time, not just the interaction. If you know Thursday's standup with them always leaves you rattled, the useful move isn't gritting your teeth harder during it, it's giving yourself five minutes straight afterwards to reset instead of carrying it into the next thing.
There's a real line between a coworker who's hard work and one who's bullying, harassing, or discriminating against you. Persistent targeting, threats, or anything tied to a protected characteristic isn't a "manage your own headspace" problem, it's something to document and raise with HR, a union rep, or someone outside the situation. This article is about the everyday version.
It's also worth a closer look if the dread about seeing this person is affecting your sleep, your health, or how you feel on days you're not even at work. That's worth talking to a doctor or therapist about, not something an article can diagnose.
If part of the problem is that you keep agreeing to things this person asks of you, this article on how to say no at work covers that specifically.
This article is for general information and isn't a substitute for medical, legal, or mental health advice. If you're experiencing bullying, harassment, or discrimination at work, raise it with HR, a union representative, or a legal advisor. If this is affecting your health or daily functioning, talk to a doctor or therapist.
Curious about the actual science behind these techniques? Read how Rewirology works.
Rewirology has a library of short, guided audio sessions for exactly this kind of moment, plus a way to sync your calendar so it can flag the parts of your week actually worth planning for.
Start My First Session Free